CLUTTER QUEEN
Step back with me a little further than the story I shared in part 1 to examine another aspect of what was holding me back – one that I was loathed to admit to myself was even a problem. And I believe perhaps it’s the label itself that kept me from this little admission.
Hoarding
Shudder! Just the word is ugly and of course it conjures up these pictures of people being buried alive in their homes by newspapers and garbage. But apparently, those are extreme cases. There are stages prior to that.
I preferred to call it Keepsaking – so not a word but should be. It’s so much prettier – but probably also makes it harder to see that’s it’s actually a problem.
According to the Mayo Clinic, Hoarding Disorder is a persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions because of a perceived need to save them.
If you had even so much as hinted to me, I was a hoarder I would have blown my top. Yes, I was always hyper attached to things from my past, they brought back fond memories of – loving that OBJECT.
I’m a very tactile person, I gravitate to things that are smooth. I’m handing writing this blog – I always hand write my work first – and the ink of this pen flows smoothly across the paper, I’m even picky about the type of paper I use, this paper is also smooth and compliments my pen. 😛
– I have a fantasy of being the kind of person who can afford a Montblanc pen, I’ve never written with one – but in my mind, if you charge that much for a pen, the experience of using one MUST be a magical one –
I digress, get used to this, I do that a lot J if you followed me on my other blog you’re already adjust to my digressions.
Back on point
The seizing anger I used to experience (people now refer to this as ‘being triggered’) when anyone would have the gal to suggest I might be a burgeoning hoarder was insane.
INSANE
But
It was also the truth. Years ago, when I was out in the working world way back when I was single and trying to make my way in this big ole world, while still living at home, my mother and I used to email each other everyday (even though we lived together, lol) and she used to print them out to save them. I was at her place last month and she pulled out one of the communications we’d had and apparently, she was upset my room was a mess. And in this uber sweet message I said quite plainly – I’m a mess, I’ve always been a mess and I will always be a mess. – Reading that note was upsetting. I don’t want to always be a mess. Especially now, at the threshold of my new business, and with children to be an example to, I want to be organized! I was already in a good place; I’m getting my stuff organized and I’d already made the decision to ‘release’ a lot of what I had been holding on to. Most of which is in storage in my garage.
I’ve been doing inner work on myself for close to a year now, at first it was filled with excuses and reasons for why I’m like this, then it turned into overly rejecting the negative aspects of myself and putting on a façade of shiny happy thinking I could fake it until I made it. And then finally shifted into – (with the help of my amazing coach and friend Chloe Saffron) actually facing myself – accepting myself and most importantly forgiving myself.
I took a look a good look at my surroundings and began to see the chaos around me for exactly what is was – a million little excuses to stay stuck, to remain in that terrified little holding pattern that I was allowing to be my trap.
So, the decision was made.
And if you know me, once I decide on something my next natural move (which will feature heavily in my next story) is to buy books on the subject! How to declutter and the like.
I’m currently knee deep in this transformation, like I keep telling my husband – it took me a lot of years to collect this stuff, it’s going to take some time to un-collect it. HAHAHA
If you don’t already, come find me on Instagram here:
Beginning this weekend, I’m doing a mini feature on releasing my past – I’m lucky I live where I can burn things in my backyard. Follow me over there and watch my old life BURN. LOL!!
